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Yearly Archives: 2015

Happy Birthday, Mom!

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So I started this post on Mother’s Day and then life got a little out of control, but I still wanted to finished it. It worked out because my Mom’s birthday is today, so it is still for her!

I am very fortunate to have a loving mother who gave all her time and energy to us while we were growing up.  She wasn’t just there for my sister and I, she was there for our friends, our schools, and our communities.  She fights for people who cannot fight for themselves.  My Mom stayed home with my sister and I until my younger sister started high school.  She worked a couple side jobs from time to time but mostly devoted her time to the schools.  She was always the classroom parent for my sister and I.  I often forgot that she did not actually work at the school.  She was PTA president for our county and schools for many years. We were always going to PTA conferences all over Maryland.  I remember my sister and I being so excited about going to different hotels!  She made a difference in our schools at the time.  My Mom is my hero for that reason and so many more.

My Mom experienced a lot so far in her life, a lot of it was painful, but as she would say it was worth it because it got her to where she is now. She is one of 14 children!  Her Dad tragically died in a coal mining accident when my Mom was 3.  Her Mom died of throat cancer when she was 5. She has been told that when her Dad died, her Mom couldn’t keep up the fight.  My Mom went to live with her older brother and sister in-law. She grew up with out her parents and it wasn’t always pleasant.  She made the decision to make sure to never treat her children poorly and she never did. We never faced any angry fist or anything could of made us feel physical or emotional pain. She overcame everything that could have easily changed her path, and for that she is my hero.
I remember the first time I found out that Mom had been married before she married my Dad.  I just assumed it was always the two of them; that they always lived in this happy marriage bubble.  Then one day, I am not even sure how it came up, I found out she was married before.  At first I did not believe her.  Then it was undeniable because the name on her wedding invitation was not the same last name that I knew has her maiden name.  I remember being completely heart broken.  Not because she had been divorced, but because at some point in her life my Mom was not shown love.  At some point in her life she found herself with her husband’s hands around her throat and with a very tough decision to make.  At some point in her life she was sad, alone, and scared.  That was heartbreaking for me.  I know my Mom, she is the strongest lady and I found out that at some point that strength was put to the test. I had assumed my Mom found my Dad and lived happily ever after. I’ve only ever witnessed my Dad treat my Mom with the upmost love and care. I assumed she always had that and it made me happy knowing she had such a love, especially after her childhood.  Instead, she went through hell first.  That isn’t fair, why are the strongest people tested so much?  It wasn’t just that she was in an abusive marriage, she lost her parents, she was raised in a home where she was not exactly wanted, and so much more. She is an amazing person and she deserves nothing more than love and I am so glad she found it in my Dad.

The craziest part is probably about 30 years later, I found myself in a very similar situation.  I am not one to believe that we are destined to certain fates, but my Mom’s story helped save me. I literally could have saved my life.  Somehow she survived abuse and divorce.  Somehow I would too. My Mom found my Dad and she has been treated with love and care and has the family she always dreamed of (at least I think she likes us…haha!).  It gave me hope.  Hope that I would find that “one” too.  Another reason she is and always will be my hero! A few years later I found that “one”, who only ever treats me with love and care.  He treats me better than I deserve most times and I am very thankful for him!

My Mom is my hero, she is the one I turn to in tough times and celebrate with in great times.  I am so thankful to have her as my Mother and to have grown to have an unbreakable friendship.  Happy 40th anniversary of your 21st birthday! Here’s to many more years of everything that makes you happy!

My Mom and I many years ago!

My Mom and I many years ago!

Stress-You Ugly Beast

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Stress… you’ve shown your ugly face again and again; to be honest I am quite sick of you. I am trying to find a way to beat it, to not feel like every breath is a struggle.  To not feel like my heart is going to explode. My blood pressure is higher with every doctors appointment. I cannot stand the look I get, I do not have a blood pressue issue, I have anxiety that is trying to destroy me and everytime I have to explain. I would love to not feel like my stomach is going to eventually just eat itself and everything I do eat just makes me feel sick.  To not feel this way would be my greatest blessing right now. I have to find a way to win here.  The only calming source I have found is spa music. Even that is not always doing the trick.  I am trying and I am fighting, I just feel so lost.
I have so many positives in my life.  It is so frustrating to feel this way when there are so many things to look forward to!
It’s going to be okay, today is just not my day. We all have them, I just need to find my footing here. Feel free to share what works for you!

You Are Not Alone: Hope is everywhere

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National Infertility Awareness Week 2015

National Infertility Awareness Week 2015

It’s 8:00 am.  You are walking through long, narrow, never ending hallways to the doctor’s appointment.  People are walking by and saying good morning, but you do not notice them.  This appointment has been thought about for years now and it is finally here.  That moment where you know your life is going to change the minute you sit down in the exam room, is finally here.

Your fiance checks in with the receptionist, but you just take a seat.  You wait and inside you feel like you are dying; you cannot breath.  Every breath, you are fighting to take.  Do you know that feeling you get when you are walking down the steps and you miss one?  Your stomach lurches and it takes a second for it go away.  This time that startled, scary feeling does not go away.   You sit… and you wait.  You wonder if the others in the waiting room are feeling the same thing. Maybe they are here for a completely different reason but probably not.  As sad as it is, it is comforting to know you are not alone, that others share your journey.  You pretend that they know what you are going through and share your pain .  Some people are smiling; others have their heads buried in their phones.  Some are talking to their significant other. You try to distract both of you by looking at funny jokes on Pinterest.  Anything you can think of to take away the fear, you try, if just for a moment.  It does not work, you know you cannot fool your brain to feel safe, but you try.  You cannot get rid of that feeling… that terrible falling down the steps feeling.   Finally, they call you both back to the exam room.  You find it hard to believe, but your nerves are rattled even more now.

You cannot escape this moment.  You can not ignore it.  The moment is here and you must face it.

As the nurse takes you to the exam room, you see the doctor is sitting in the room waiting for you both.  This isn’t typical and you know here goes another fall down the stairs.  The first words out of his mouth are, “So how are you feeling?” with a look you recognize as disappointment on his face. You sink deeper into your chair.   You slipped on the never ending staircase again, but this time it feels more like you are not going to make it; you are just going to keep falling.  Your fiance tries to save you by responding that you’re both feeling pretty good.  But the doctor seems surprised.  Why?

The first blow.  Testosterone levels are not where they need to be and they keep getting lower.

The second blow… that family you long for, the one you’ve been dreaming about since you first started playing with baby dolls, is going to be difficult to have.

Low testosterone, low sperm count…  Not just the low sperm count where you have 20,000 sperm (normal is 50 thousand).  The low sperm count where you may have a few hundred but most of them are abnormal.  The type where ICSI is your only option.

Let’s step back about 2.5 years before this appointment.  My fiance, Kevin, was deployed in Afghanistan.  On June 24, 2012, Kevin stepped on an IED.  He was thrown face down into the mud.  When he was rolled over, he knew it was not good.  His right leg was missing below the knee. His left leg was heavily damaged.  Kevin’s pinky was gone and his wrist was severely injured.   And then there was the injury that every man in the military fears, blood in his lap.  Kevin’s one testicle was severely damaged in the blast and had to be removed. His life would never be the same.

Kevin was on testosterone patches for 2.5 years.  This medication works just like birth control for women.  It makes them not produce sperm.  He stopped the medication in the fall of 2014 so we could start testing and figure out our situation.  Test results are consistently saying that IVF/ICSI will be our only way to have children.  I want so badly to look at my children and see my husband in them, his smile, his laugh, and his love for life.

We will be choosing when we become pregnant.  The surprise is gone.  The cute t-shirts, the surprise sonogram picture in a picture frame that says Grandma/Grandpa, might still happen, but the surprise factor is gone.  I am saddened by this the most.  I have always dreamed of the ways I would tell my parents that they are going to be Grandparents.  Now, I know I will not be able to go through this process without their support.  They will know when it happens and we will not get that priceless moment when we tell our parents.   That somewhat exciting and somewhat terrifying moment when you are wondering if you are pregnant or not will be different for us.  A doctor will tell us; we won’t get to find out the happy or heartbreaking news in the comfort of our home.

I have an amazing support system in my family and friends.  They will be there for me during this process.  However, it is still a lonely process.  They do not know what it will be like.  They can give me some advice but it is not from experience.  Sometimes you just want to know you are going to survive it and when you see someone else survive, you have hope.  Hope is what I will cling to!

One out of eight couples experience infertility issues.  We are 1 out of 8, us, the people you grew up with, the people you used to go out to the bar with, the son, the teacher, the soldier, the mid-twenty year old, the friend, the sister, the neighbor, the daughter, the brother… it is us. We are 1 in 8. We are not some distance person that you may never meet, we are all around you, we may be you.

Kevin and I decided to be open about our journey with infertility so that others do not have to feel alone.  Our infertility is a result of a war injury. We started a support page for families who are impacted by war related infertility (join if this is you, Families Impacted by War Related Infertility).  Currently, the VA and Tricare, for retired veterans, will not cover the cost of IVF, even if it is the result of war related injury.  There are thousands of couples in the same situations as us.  We have already had people post on our Facebook support page that they had no idea that other people were dealing with this.  They thought they were alone and that breaks my heart.  No one should ever feel alone, especially when thousands of people are going through the exact same thing.  I know it is embarrassing and feels very personal.  But, the more we share our heartbreaking stories, the more comfortable people will be talking about it themselves.  The more that people talk about it, the more interested doctors, lawyers, politicians and the public become interested in helping and figuring out why this is happening to so many people.

Kevin and I are just starting our journey with IVF.  We have tests to complete before we do the actual embryo transfer.  This week, I have the mock trial embryo transfer.  It is going to be a long and painful process, but we are in this together.  We have hope, we will survive, just as the thousands of other couples do.

Please do not be embarrassed or ashamed if you are dealing with infertility.  Reach out to your family, friends, online communities, support groups, etc.  As scared as I was to first share our story fearing people would judge us, I am so incredibly thankful I did share.  I started thinking about it like this; I should not feel embarrassed or ashamed, the only people who should would be those who judge someone in this situation.  Once you share your story, you hold your head high, because little do you know, you will impact someone; you will make a difference.  I know that it has helped me to read others story, whether they are sad or happy, because either way it helps me relate and know that I will get through this.

You do not have to be alone, there is hope and there is support.  Let’s get through this journey together!  We are 1 out of 8 amazing couples, with incredible strength and courage, who will do anything to make their dreams come true!

Please feel free to share this post and help spread the word!

If you would like to find more information about National Infertility Awareness Week please check out these links from RESOLVE:

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

IVF, ICSI, HSG, RE what?!?

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Tonight I decided to sit down and look at some information for IVF.  I’m desperately trying to learn all the acronyms and information so that I am not clueless. So far… I am clueless. I do actually know what the four in the subject line mean so I guess that is a start!
I have the mock embryo transfer this coming week. It is simple and easy from what I have heard, but I am still nervous.  Thankfully, Kevin is able to go with me to distract me some.  Soon I will have the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test (they will light me up with dye and look for any potential issues).  I am not looking forward to that test!  The good news we have is that they will freeze some of Kevin’s sperm.  This way we will have something to fall back on if something goes wrong in the fall.
I am glad that they are being proactive with everything.  We are getting all of these test out of the way so when we are ready, we are actually ready.  This is a uncanny mix of emotions.  I think we have figured out a roughly estimated time frame for when we want to do the transfer (not sharing the date so we can have some sort of surprise down the road).  It is exciting to think that this time next year we may be in a completely different situation.  It is also scary because nothing is ever guaranteed. We are just going to keep trucking through this and maybe make myself an infertility dictionary in the meantime!  I just hope we can get a picture of when they do the ICSI so we can put it in our children’s baby books.  How amazing would that be to have the very picture of when you started?  Just a clump of cells that look like nothing to the eye.  Maybe that is weird… At least if my kids hate it, I can use it as blackmail in the future?

As scared as I am about this process, I am completely amazed by it too!  How cool would it be to have a job where you literally start life?  I am envious…  but I do not like college that much!

I know a lot of my family and friends read my blog.  I put the definitions of all the weirdo terms so it can help you understand what I am talking about, plus it helps me keep it in my head.

IVF – In Vitro-fertilization – The eggs are taken out and placed into a dish with the sperm, where they do their own thing.

ICSI – Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection – the eggs are injected with a sperm.  This is done when there is not enough normal sperm and what we will be doing.

HSG – Hysterosalpingogram – the test where they put dye into you so they can x-ray and look at your reproductive organs.  They are looking for blockages and any other potential problems.

RE – Reproductive Endocrinologist – fertility doctor

Emotions are high, hopes are higher!

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Yesterday was our first appointment with Shady Grove Fertility.   I spent hours researching infertility and some options we may or may not have.  I thought that would help me prepare for everything the doctor was going to say.  It didn’t.  I wasn’t prepared.  I felt like a deer in headlights.  I have no idea what all of the acronyms they throw out mean and I found myself frustrated.  We had to fill out a ton of paper work after the appointment.  It was like purchasing a house… with much tougher questions.  First, we had to decide if we would want our remaining embryos frozen after our first transfer.  Sure…  I think.

Then, there was this question…

“What do you want us to do with you embryos if something happens to two both of you?”

WHAT? I didn’t prepare for that question. It actually never crossed my mind that it would even be asked.   We will have frozen embryos just waiting for us to use them.  If one of us passes away, the embryos’ still belong to the living person.   This just makes me feel weird; I am making plans for my children before they are even conceived.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  I am trying to understand that it is okay to do this.  I am thanking God for giving us such brilliant people who will make it possible for us to have a family.

Then the question, “if you do not want them anymore can we do research on them or if they die what do you want us to do them the remaining tissue?”  Um… okay, it will help other people out right?

Who has to make decisions like this?  Why do we have to?  Why can’t we be like other people who can get pregnant naturally? If he wasn’t injured, this wouldn’t have been an issue.  I hate these questions and I feel bad for feeling them but… I feel them.  Kevin does not deserve to feel like this is his fault, because it is not his fault in the least bit.  I’m very much in love with him and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I know he feels guilty sometimes, but he shouldn’t.  If all of these things didn’t happen, I’m not sure that we would have been brought together.  So I will take the good, the bad, and the ugly because I found true honest love.

Then I think about all the exciting parts of the beginning of a pregnancy and it makes me a little bit sad.  Announcing to your husband that you are pregnant and the excited look on his face, what beats that (besides obviously his face when our child is brought into this world…man I cannot wait for that moment)?  Telling your parents that they are going to be Grandparents, telling your siblings they will be Aunts and Uncles, has to be an amazing feeling.  We won’t get that, people will know we are trying to get pregnant because I will be giving myself shots and going to never-ending doctor’s appointments.  It doesn’t seem like something that will be easy to hide from everyone.  There will be no surprise.   I feel like during the two-week wait I am going to be stared at day after day, everyone will be waiting to see if it worked.  Then we will sit in a doctor’s office and they will tell us if it did work.  If it didn’t work, what do I say? What do I do?  If it did work, it would change everything for us.  More than likely, it will work and all will go well.  I’m trying to stay out of the world of “what ifs”, that world is terrifying and a waste of my time, but sometimes we all visit that evil world.

I know this will get easier to understand and deal with over time.  I’m so thankful that we decided to look into this now; so we have plenty of time to get comfortable and knowledgeable before the actual IVF procedure starts.  It is just hard right now.  Sitting in the doctor’s appointment, hearing things I did not understand, and thinking how I am going to get all of this straight is very overwhelming.  I’ll be okay, we will be okay, and our future children will be okay; I just need to work through the confusion.

I’m excited to start thinking about the real possibility of Kevin and I having a family.  I know he will make an amazing Dad.  I cannot wait to look at them and hopefully see his smile, eyes, and overall love for life in them.  I don’t mean to sound “woe is me” about this subject, nor do I want pity.  I know thousands of people go through this all of the time.  Just right now, in this moment, I am tired, confused, frustrated, excited, and scared.  Most of all, I am thankful, so incredibly thankful, for doctors, nurses, science, and God for giving us the opportunity to raise a family of our own.  Kevin and I are strong, we fought through everything that was supposed to bring us down.  I know we will get through this too.  I just cannot wait for the day when I can spill off all the information about this process without being confused or mixing up terms, or trying to figure out when I am supposed to take what test and where.  It is a whole new world to us, I’m embracing it with open arms, and with a side of anxiety.

Every season brings new beginnings and new life.

Every season brings new beginnings and new life.