Today is day 11 of our 2 week wait!  It has been such a long 11 days.  An emotional roller coaster is the only way to describe how it has felt.  Everyday is harder and harder.  Morning is always the hardest.  I find myself crying every morning on the way to work.  I think mornings are harder because it is the start of another day; another day of not knowing.  You would think it would get easier because you know your testing is coming up sooner; however it is not easier.  The idea that on Friday I will know if I am still pregnant or not, is almost too much to handle.  I have not the slightest idea of what is going on in my body.  I feel so many symptoms that would make a person who is not struggling with infertility, wonder if they were pregnant.  However, the medications could completely be the culprit for the all the symptoms.

Afternoons are much easier to handle.  I’ve started my day, I follow my routine and life goes on in a way.  I probably think about it a gazillion times a day even in the afternoon.  However, the sadness is less intense.  I am in this day, I have to handle this day.  I have two options; give up, lay at home crying all day, or try to make the best of each day and see how much stronger I can get. I am choosing to keep going each day.  I am making the conscious effort to not give up, when it would be so easy to do.

Today I feel more hope than I have for several days.  I’m not really sure why but I feel more of a sense of peace right now.  Peace that what will come, will come. There is nothing I can do about it.  I’ve taken my medication, my prenatal vitamins, I drink a ton of water, I relax when I can, no heavy lifting, zero caffeine has entered my system, I even wash my fruit and vegetables with actual veggie wash (crazy, I know). I lost weight before the procedures, exercised constantly. I gave this everything I have.    I however, do not get to choose if our embryo does survive or not.  My heart is begging for it to survive. My entire being  wants nothing more than to get a positive beta test.  I feel like at times I go through the stages of grief, even though I have nothing to grieve right now.  I’ve promised God that I will be a good a mother and that our child will live in a home that knows nothing but love and to please give us a chance.  I’ve begged, I’ve bargained, I’ve been angry, I’ve been sad. I’ve felt them all in a day.  At the end of all of those emotions is the reminder, I am not in control here.  I don’t get to choose if my pregnancy can be maintained because I have done everything I could do.  I am a mother to these embryos and I have loved them unconditionally since they were just an idea.  Since the thought of becoming a mother so many years ago ever crossed my mind, I have loved what I cannot yet hold in my arms.

In two days I will go into the doctor’s office to have my blood taken.  I will drive back home and wait.  Wait for the phone call that changes everything.

We have been keeping everyone updated and will continue to do so. Please understand that we will give the update when we are ready to.  It may not happen on Friday, which does not mean something is necessarily wrong.  No matter the outcome, this is part of our story. We appreciate all the prayers and support!

Kevin and I have had a pretty stressful couple of weeks as we have been going through the IVF process.  There has been laughter, tears, joy, pain, prayers hope and most importantly love.   My body went from just a normal body to an egg making machine within just a couple of days.  The hormones were pumping!  We had appointments every morning for blood work and ultrasounds.  It got to the point where my veins were refusing to give up anymore blood.  After the appointment, Kevin would drop me off at work.  We would proceed like life was somewhat normal.  Household chores have been put the side, meals are nothing special as we just eat whatever there is, and the couch is our new best friend.  I must say I am proud of myself though, I did not bite my husbands head off near as often as I thought I would.  I am still taking hormones to try and get my body ready to be pregnant.  I will continue to take them even when I am until my body is able to sustain a pregnancy on its own.  From what I have been told, these hormones are harder to deal with.  So please pray I treat Kevin the way he deserves, and not the way my body may be telling me (love you babe)!

On Monday, we had the egg retrieval.  I was in more pain than I really was expecting. This has very much been a role reversal for Kevin and I.  For a majority of our relationship, Kevin was at Walter Reed recovering for war injuries.  The first time I was there for a surgery was surgery number 19.  When he retired he ended with about 30 surgeries.  I became used to hospital stays and helping him whenever he needed it.  This time it was me that was needing the help; and he was right there.  The pain I was feeling I am sure not comparable to what his body has been through over the past couple of years; but never did he tell me to get over it.  I can see in his eyes that he wishes we didn’t have to go through this.  I know he worries about me; and I know that man loves me with everything he has.  What I am not sure he always remembers is, there is not one person in this world I would want to have children with than him.  I want to look at our children and see his eyes and his smile. I hope and pray they have the ability to achieve anything they put their mind to like he does.  I would go through any amount of pain, procedures, hormones, to make sure that happens. The world needs more people like him.  I am incredibly blessed with the most loving and giving Husband.  I hope our sons are just like him; and our daughters marry a man just like him.

Today I posted a picture that shows what an embryo looks like the day after retrieval; after it has been fertilized.  In the middle of the embryo you can see two very faint circles.  Each circle has the DNA of one parent.  Someone commented on that picture and said, “That is what the miracle of love looks like.”  These words have stuck with me throughout the day, and will probably linger for a lot longer.  Two faint circles, that hold everything that we are, are combining to make one.  When you get married you hear over and over, two hearts become one.  I am not sure that an image could possible describe this more.  Our children are already loved tremendously.  Our hearts and souls have been pouring everything into making them a possibility.  Love for each other and our future children keeps us going.

Kevin and I both overcame some pretty significant events in our lives before we were brought together.  The timing was perfect and it led to most incredibly kind of love.  No matter what happens in our future, Kevin and I are a family.  We may not have a baby in our arms, but we are a family.

The Miracle of Love

This is an example of a Day 1 after the egg retrieval.

Right now I am sitting in a hotel room with my Husband, Kevin.  We’ve started the day traveling to where our egg retrieval will be and getting blood work done.  Kevin picked a nice hotel that has a beautiful view of a lake perfectly placed in the middle of this town.  They have a boardwalk and some shops that we spent the afternoon exploring. I bought chocolate because every soon to be pregnant woman can always use more! We recently got the proof video of our wedding from our Videographer.  The DVD came with us on this trip and we spent some time watching parts of our wedding in the hotel room.  It was the perfect way to spent this day!

This is the last day that our lives are just about us, Kevin and I.   Tomorrow, my eggs will be taken from my body and fertilized with Kevin’s sperm.  My eggs will grow into our embryos, turning into blastocyst that will be transferred back into my body.  One of these eggs is going to turn into our baby: our 2 year old throwing a tantrum, the 5 year old on their first day of Kindergarten, the teenager slamming doors because we drive them absolutely insane, to the adult, who we know, we will be proud to have raised.  All of these events and emotions will come from those eggs that will be fertilized tomorrow.  I wonder whose eyes they will have, if they will have Kevin’s contagious laugh, who will they be?  It is hard to believe that we all begin this way, but it is  absolutely fascinating.  A silver lining in having to go through all of this is that we are learning so much about how life begins!

We’ve been preparing for this for almost a year now.  I’ll never forget our first appointment, where we found out if having our own biological family would even be an option.  At that appointment, we were given hope.  We were given hope that there is a chance for us.  There is still a lot of fear, fear that this will not work, fear that something will happen with my body that will not allow the pregnancy to happen, just flat out fear.  I think there is a big misconception that IVF equals pregnancy resulting in a live birth. While the statistics are always improving, it is far from a guarantee.  While sometimes the fear likes to try to take over,  I also have a heart full of hope.  I have hope that God and science can come together to bring us the family we’ve dreamed about.  We have an amazing medical team and their office has some of the highest success rates in the country. That in itself gives me a lot of hope!

Tomorrow, before the sun even rises, our lives will have changed forever.  A change we’ve dreamed about and will not stop fighting for until we have a baby in our arms!

The next couple of days will be a different experience from the week and a half of injections we just experienced.  Everyday, we will receive a call from the Embryologist to let us know how our embryos are doing.  It is almost like daycare in a strange way!  Five days after the retrieval, not including the egg retrieval day, we will be able to transfer a blastocyst back in my body.  I will have to start taking medications to let my body know it is time to be pregnant.  I will pump naturally occurring pregnancy hormones into my body to try and get it to jump-start and do its job. Once the blastocyst are transferred back into my body, we have to wait 2 weeks to find out if this worked.  For two weeks we will wonder and I am sure worry if I am still pregnant.  We’ve already started thinking of things to do to keep our minds busy during this time.   After the two weeks, I will go to the doctors, do a blood test and we will find out if this was successful.

We appreciate all of the love, support, and prayers that have been lifted for us during this time!  It helps knowing we have a community of people who are standing behind us!  Kevin and I are fighters; we know these embryos will be too!

I have a feeling we are going to have a lot of “the best day evers”!