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What type of mom am I?

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I have always found it hard to define myself. I’ve really struggled with self esteem too. I am my worst critic. I nit pick my hair, my weight, my clothes, my face, every decision I make. Since becoming a parent I have felt it’s gotten worse. Of course my body isn’t the same from pre-pregnancy. But deeper than that, I am not the same. I was working full-time as a teacher. Now my number one job is raising my daughter. It is a hard job to monitor how you’re doing. No one tells you you’re getting this thing right like they do in a regular job (although not often enough in teaching). So when you’re your own worst critic you constantly hear your failures in your head.
I’ve been working on trying to define myself. I figured if I could define the type of mom I am it would help me see my own progress and goals. There’s all types of moms out there. Some I’ve heard include, crunchy moms, helicopter moms, attachment parenting, fit moms, free range, and the list goes on and on. These titles are all over social media and blogs. So I have often reflected, where do I fit? The answer I keep coming up with is I do not fit in any category. I feed my family healthy food but I wouldn’t say I’m crunchy. I think movement is important but I’m certainly not a fit mom. I do somethings similar to attachment parenting styles. I do somethings similar to free range parenting and helicopter parenting too. I’m all over the place. When I look at the different titles, not a single one of them fits what is the most important to me. What is most important to me is raising happy healthy kids and having a happy marriage. At any cost, I will give all of my time and effort into ensuring I raise a happy, healthy, well adjusted child. I am also winging it. I’ve done my research but when it comes down to it I have a hell of a mom gut. I am learning to just trust myself. I live it day by day. I adjust as needed, I remain flexible when needed too. Some days I just survive and other days I have an epic mom day where everything gets done. So where is the hash tag for that? I guess it doesn’t sound good as a hash tag, it’s too long of a list. I think most moms want these things too. I just don’t fit any criteria, but maybe that is a good thing. Why follow just one way? Maybe moms should just spend more time trusting ourselves. We are pretty smart after all. I heard a quote once from Reese Witherspoon during her speech when she was named woman of the year by Glamour. The quote is this, “I dread reading scripts that have no women involved in their creation because inevitably I get to that part where the girl turns to the guy, and she says, “What do we do now?!” Do you know any woman in any crisis situation who has absolutely no idea what to do?” When I heard it I thought, wow how true is that. Women do know what to do in good and bad situations . We might not know what we want for dinner but we definitely know what to do in serious situations. We should give ourselves more credit for that. I often remember her words when I find myself doubting my decisions or ability to be a good parent. I may not fit in a category of parenting style, but I am doing okay. I may be winging it, but we are happy, my family feels loved. If that is all I accomplish in this life, that is enough.

Self-love – it does not come easy!

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Do you every get up in the morning and just feel miserable with yourself? I do every single morning.

I hate this body… there I said it.  It does not make any sense and I am so frustrated with it.

I wish I could be the body positive person that says they love how big there legs are because they are strong and get them places.  Or they love their belly because it reminds them of where their baby grew.  I am not that person.  I can tell someone everyday how beautiful they are, how they are strong, etc, etc.  I cannot tell myself that.  I am wildly disappointed in my body, therefore, myself.   There is so much I know I should be thankful for, trust me, I get that.  I am thankful for a lot.  But it does not mean I can accept my body like I should.

Why put so much emphasis on how you look you might ask.  I have no idea. I wish I did not care as much as I do.  I care about the number on the scale.  I care that my pants do not fit.  I care that I cannot seem to get a handle on weight.  I care so incredibly much.  I feel like my outer image defines me.   It is the first thing the world sees about me.  I want to be perceived as someone who takes care of themselves.  I want people to know how much I take care for my daughter and family.   I want them to know my family eats healthy three times a day (for the most part, I am not super human).  That I try really really hard to provide a healthy lifestyle and consistency.  But when you look at your own body and see things you never thought you’d see, you question if you are doing anything right.  I question if I really am providing a healthy life for my family if my body is not responding well.

I am so frustrated with where I am at right now.  After I had my daughter, I lost all of the baby weight.  I was back to where I was before IVF and pregnancy within a few weeks.  It was amazing, since I had gained 42 pounds while pregnant!  Most of it was fluid though, although doctors never believed me.  I did so well for several months.  I started an anxiety medication and did not realize that weight gain was a significant side effect of the medicine.  I started putting on pounds.  I switched medicine because of stomach problems and I became so depressed.  I put on a ton of weight with in a months time.  Now, I am way past pre-pregnancy weight.  I am frustrated.  I am angry. I am sad.  I am obsessed.

I want to get up in the morning and put on clothes that I feel comfortable in.  I want to not analyze every picture of me that is taken.  I want to smile and not worry about a double chin popping up in a picture.  My husband says I am beautiful, I want to honestly believe him.  I want to be a positive role model for my daughter.  Right now, in terms of body imagine, I am a terrible role model.  I do not say things in front of her.  But I know one day she will know how I feel about myself if I do not get a handle on this.

This post is raw about some deep feelings that are going on in my head.   I feel better just saying how I feel though and maybe just admitting how I feel is the groundwork to healing.  I am not a confident person.  I struggle like most people do.  I am trying and I hope some day soon to be able to look in the mirror and at least like the person I see looking back at me. I’ve tried just getting over it and forgetting it, but it just keeps creeping up on me.  I exercise and I eat well but I am just struggling to love myself.  I feel that losing the weight may not even fix how angry I am with my body.  So I hope while on a journey of losing weight I will find ways to love myself that have nothing to do with my weight too. If you struggled and have ideas for self-love let me know!  I am open to ideas – just NO sales pitches please!

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This is a picture of me on my wedding day where I married the man of my dreams.  This was truly a day I felt beautiful. 

Speed bumps

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I have not written in quite awhile.  Honestly, I’ve been exhausted and this has not been a priority for me.  However, I do miss writing my thoughts down so I thought I would revisit my blog and give it another go.   After all, I have greatly benefited from others sharing their stories so I like to give back by sharing mine.

Sometimes life gives us a rude awakening.  Right in the middle of “normal” you can find yourself in a situation that you do not even recognize.  You do not recognize the situation or even yourself during these times.  Since having my daughter I have spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out.  In a matter of months, everything I knew about myself changed.  I was a teacher and wife.  Then one day I because a mom.  I am not longer a teacher, a part of me that was a huge part of my identity.  While I am beyond happy to be home with my daughter, I often feel like I am in a bit of an identity crisis.  Adjusting to being a Mom has me trying to figure out who I am all over again.   My daughter is over a year now and feel like I am still trying to adjust to this new life.

Part of working on figuring out who I am, has been working on my anxiety.  Anxiety has been a part of my life for maybe… forever.  I was diagnosed around 10 or 11.   However, I have spent a majority of my life with relatively well-managed anxiety.   When I had my daughter, I struggled a lot with anxiety.  After about 6 months of struggling, I called my OB.  They gave me medication to help.  It did help, I felt really good!  I lost all the baby weight, I was happy, I was able to do a lot more.  Overall, the medicine had helped me get to a more normal state.  However, it caused frequent stomach issues.  I would wake up throughout the night often sick to my stomach.   After several months of hoping my body would grow tolerate of the medicine I decided to call my doctor.  They changed my medicine in hopes it would eliminate the stomach issues while still helping my anxiety.

My stomach stopped hurting.  But I hit a wall and had a pretty nasty reaction to my new medication.

I found it difficult to get out of bed.  I did not feel any emotions.  I felt flat, like life had no highs or lows.  I just felt nothing.  I had frequent unprovoked panic attacks.  For the first time in my life I needed Xanax to help stop panic attacks.  It took me a bit to realize something was wrong.  I put on weight which only further worsened how I feel about myself and caused extra stress.  I became easily frustrated.   I just was not me.  Thankfully my husband and sister recognized that I was not acting like myself.   I avoid going to the doctor as much as I can.  Throughout my pregnancy I felt so bad about myself because of weight gain.  Now that I gained weight from the medicine I felt for sure they would nail me for it.  So I avoided it.  I just wished it all away.  Thankfully, my counselor was able to get me to see a psychologist to take care of my medication.   He has changed my anxiety medication and it has made a world of difference.

I can get in a car and go on a trip with my family without dripping in sweating.  I can function all day without extra medicine.  I feel happy, sad, excited, and most importantly in my world, love.  I feel emotions, something the other medication took from me for awhile.  I feel like I am going to be okay and that I can manage anxiety again.

Bottom line with treating anxiety, it is not a one size fits all treatment.  Not everyone presents the same way and not everyone reacts to treatment the same way. If you struggle with anxiety I encourage you to find what works for you.  For me its a healthy mix of counseling and medication.  Whatever works for you, find it.  As I have found, there can be speed bumps along the way but do not give up on it.  My doctor consistently reminds me that if one medication does not work, there is a list of other ones to try.  He reminds me constantly, I have options.  You have options too.